Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
