The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
