im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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