why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
