The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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