Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
