Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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