btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
