you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
