Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
