as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
