he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
