you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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