Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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