Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
