I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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