No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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