How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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