I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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