She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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