You just made me feel so damn special
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Randomize
