Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
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