Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
