Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
