angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize