I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
