You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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