I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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