I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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