My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
