oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize