apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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