its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
