Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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