Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
