I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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