There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
