Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
