first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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