Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
