Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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