Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
