about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
