It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
