I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i drank out of a bidet.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
