i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The adults are the big ones right?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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