my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
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