Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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