I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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