I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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