You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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