Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
