I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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