please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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