My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
