Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
