I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
